why me t.T

and let me get my whining out of the way

2004-09-26T04:33:19Z

For some reason I feel kind of empty. about a month and a half ago, my doctor put me on anti-depressants, fluoxetine 20mg dose to be exact; but lately I've been feeling...sad. That's the only word that comes close to describing it, but it's not just sad..it feels like a million other things, too. I feel kind of lonely :\
I moved to Mass, talk to Brian, his sister and his brother; have no friends; plus the feeling that the world is working against me (I'm broke..again, Bri doesn't get paid for another two weeks). I can't stand that "going-to-cry" feeling..especially when I 1.) can't cry and/or 2.) don't want to cry. I'll be shutting up before I manage to make it feel worse =)

meioh @ 2004-09-26T00:18:00

2004-09-26T04:31:46Z

So I went to the optometrist Friday morning. She checked my eyes, etc..etc.. dilated them (never do that again) and then told me they were fine. Funny, they don't seem fine. I can barely drive at night, bright lights just hurt too much, and I have this problem focusing on anything more than one single point now. Not to mention it takes forever for my eyes to readjust when I am driving at night and I see these little squiggly lines on the outside of my left eye which covers about a 1/3 of my view (and leaves me with shitty peripheral vision) and gives me a headache later on that lasts about 2-3 days. But there's nothing wrong with my eyes at all. They are "perfect" as she put it. Bullshit?

meioh @ 2004-09-21T20:26:00

2004-09-22T00:32:29Z

Is this thing on?

Cry for me..

2004-09-20T02:29:57Z

So I was wrong about having two tests this week..I have four..with the probability of a fifth one being VERY high. Assessment crap tomorrow, Microbiology on Tuesday, Jurisprudence on Wednesday (seeing as how we cover a chapter once a week and take the test right after), Dental Anatomy on Thursday, and Personal Protective Equipment on Friday. WTF? I thought this was going to be reality not like hell. Did I miss something?

In other news, I spent a very lazy day with Brian, not doing a damn thing. We didn't ever argue or nitpick..woo (minor note: we don't fight/argue everyday, just on the weekend and when I'm being a moody bitch)! Though we both went to bed at 4 am Saturday night and woke up at 9 am for some ungodly reason. Took a nap filled with kicks and stepping on my stomach (Seth had run of the living room while Bri watched football and I napped). So now I feel like I've had the shit beat out of me. Weee :D

Oops

2004-09-19T06:33:03Z

Ahaha..so that lovely little Microbiology test I was getting all worked up over..isn't till TUESDAY. So I have been stressing myself for nothing--but that's okay, now I feel like I am actually ready for it. Woo-hoo! Unfortunately, I have to go down to Pittsfield on Monday to take some pointless Assessment Exam at BCC. I don't plan on going there, why do they need to torture me with that? Plus, it I do decide to go there, I certainly don't want to take that exam now. I'm just getting use to moving an inch faster than a sloth in the mornings. Oh well, maybe I'll get lucky and my be unable to start my car..or forget my license ("government issue photo id required"). *crosses fingers* Luck be with meeeee.

Other than this..I've wasted my day away, with a long day of studying tomorrow. Two more tests this week...Radiology and Dental Anatomy..what fun -.-

...

2004-09-17T01:04:30Z

I have a lovely little test for Microbiology tomorrow. I don't feel the least bit prepared, yet I've been cramming the information into my head every chance I get. Rather than socialize with the..classmates (for lack of better words). One of them being my bf's cousin, and it seems she shoots me the hateful look every chance she gets for some unknown reason. I tried to be friendly towards her; introduced myself etc.. but I get this sneaking suspicion she thinks we are not on the same level. Oh well, I am not going to waste time trying to figure out people like her. The world is full of them..too bad. I'll come up with something better to go on about later, right now I must get in an hour or so of studying if possible.

is it just me

2004-09-16T03:02:44Z

Or does a certain someone spend more time replying on here and complaining about lack of time with me rather than..stepping away from this for a few moments? Not to offend anyone or anything, but it's not like I have a shitload of freetime between the kid and school. I mean..come on, get over, quit bitching about your ex-girlfriend's (who by the way, blew someone the day after you left) current overbearing boyfriend. It's not your problem, let her deal with it. Anyone else agree with that? I'll just go back to studying before I stick my foot in my mouth. I honestly am not in a give-a-shit mood at the moment.

Pitter-callers Destroy Tokyo

2004-02-02T03:35:42Z

Actually, the thought of giant catapilliars pulling a godzilla in Tokyo seems entertaining, Bob. Stay tuned for the 10 o'clock news for in-depth coverage.

Actually..I have butterflies in my tummy. Though I'm not sure why..it doesnt feel like I'm nervous or anything. I just want to see Brian so bad. Only one and a half days, though it feels like one and a half years just the past two days. Teresa did a great job of keeping her thoughts to herself until earlier this evening when she said she wanted some pictures of Seth that are on my laptop. Mind you, I need to fix a corrupt file or two for it to read like it has an OS. She doesn't get this, and thinks Donald is a computer genius (hey, it must take one to find incest porn on yahoo), can fix it if I leave it here with them. No thanks. So, I'm selfish and cold hearted now, only because I won't leave my laptop in their "care." Oh well, maybe to her I am, but she gets the attitude from me that she gives me.

I LOVE YOU BRIAN!

meioh @ 2004-01-29T19:56:00

2004-01-30T01:57:38Z

Damn..my mom thinks every relationship you have, whether it be friend or more, should be more money based than anything. HAH.

Stupid wench.

meioh @ 2004-01-29T19:17:00

2004-01-30T01:55:42Z

I didnt know Chapelle was in You've Got Mail..scary..yea.

My ex emailed me a few days ago (damn me for not blocking his email) of course I trashed it before I read it, too bad I felt like lashing out, hoping he said something that would cause me to retort and live up to this vindictive bitch thing him and my mom have said I am. Anyway, he asked, what I forgot to word the correct way for Brian, "can i see our son?" seriously, I've come to the point where the sperm donor in question no longer exists in my life in any significant sense. As far as I'm concerned, Seth was produced asexually. Yes, we female humans are now capable of this when it so pleases us. But the only thing that bothered me in all his bits of babble was the OUR son part. I'm not the one who ran away like a maimed bitch with my tail between my legs and knocked up some other girl. Oh well, I didn't listen to anyone *coughBRIANcough* when I should have. Can't cry over spilled milk. I just want to know..what is it with ex's and their timing lately? Whatever. No longer my concern. Life is going good for me now. I have someone who cares about me and my opinion, and means everything to me. And he doesn't think my son is an abomination to society.

I'll shhh before I embarass him. =)

Only 4 more days and about 1500 or so miles.

moronline?

2004-01-24T23:27:28Z

I've been blocked I assume, even though I never did a thing to the person who has me blocked, except look down on her actions involving a friend. I hear she was rather intimidated by me (and every other female, but that's not important). But she keeps emailing him. Keep in mind, it doesnt bother me that she does, it doesn't even bother me that he replies. What bothers the shit out of me is what she seems to imply sometimes. I'm not really a jealous person (by my standards). I'm not being ignored or anything, so I have no reason what so ever to feel threatened. I can't place my finger directly on why it bothers me so much, but I know part of it is because she makes herself out to be the victim when she did it to herself and her putting my friend through the shit she did.

Any words here that might describe this are more than welcome as long as they do not include jealousy, territorial (sp?) or any variations of the word, or female vs female =)

waaaaaaahhhh ?

2004-01-22T21:30:53Z

12 ish days till I move..it seems like there's too many things to get done. Then again it doesnt sound like it when I start listing them off. And of course, there's everything working against me as usual. Kind of makes you feel blah. Oh well..it's that time of day again, when I leave to reclaim my title as the #1 burger jockey. I miss brian..feels like a year's passed since he left *pouts* Atleast it's not too much longer, that thought'll keep me smiling. Just rather annoyed by my tax return..it's almost 400 less than I thought it would be, I still haven't figured out how I'm going to get that crib from point a to point b. Oh well, I'll think of something maybe. *tries to be optimistic* And I was wrong..it's 11 days and some odd hours.

And here's Arkansas at a glance..

2004-01-22T05:00:25Z

And this is KARK news at 10 (10 here, because it's 11 on the east coast if you didn't know that). Today's top story: a local lawyer and son maybe find themselves serving some jail time for sending the gift of a copperhead snake to Staton, whom they bought an ATV from earlier this year. After refuses to repair the ATV after purchase, Castleman drove his SUV through Staton's yard. Staton opened fire on the SUV and is now facing criminal charges for it.
*dry cough*

Magic Springs Family Amusement park was denied a permit to sell beer. They applied for the same permit several years ago, but withdrew the application because of opposition before it could be processed. Many hicks are upset about this decision.
*camera moves to female anchor*

A local adult themed arcade and video store was forced to shut down earlier today. The city issued a permit, not knowing a daycare was less than a block away. The owner feels he shouldn't have to move his business. No comments from the local neighborhood residents.
And now..for the weather.
*goes back to female anchor*

Three people were arrested for killing their 91-year-old neighbor in Wrightsville. A 42 year old, 18 year old and 20 year old were charged with capitol murder in the slaying. The sheriff's department said the suspects rented a nearby home from Cunningham and had a dispute over the rent. Cunningham's 92 year old wife was home at the time of the attack, but was not harmed.

We'll be here tomorrow morning at 5. This has been KARK news at 10. Good evening and good night.

Since when does it take 3 younger ones to kill a 91 year old farmer. I love Arkansas.

Houston..we have geniuses?

2004-01-14T22:52:43Z

Thirty-two years since the last trip to the moon, three shuttle failures resulting in death or near death, and atleast two space stations later, good ole George takes the 'big step,' changing our space exploration initiative. Could this have been brought on by the numerous third-grade projects we did on our visions of 'lunar bases' and space stations? No, of course not. It took 3,000 geniuses who work for NASA and our government to realize you need a rest stop when traveling long distances. ..I could have told them that. After already putting man on the moon, NASA has decided unmanned spacecrafts will explore the lunar surface; all this will be in working order by 2008. So another four years before we venture back to the moon via machines. It will take that long for NASA to take money from other programs and redirect it towards space re-entry. Thus the race to space is revitalized. Remember the Russian space station, a sore reminder why we never, never buy Russian, China, or American made..BUY JAPAN! Considering half of this makes little sense because I've lost interest in all of it overall..enjoy =)

oh yea..

2004-01-07T06:16:22Z

I have better things to dwell on than Teresa wanting to run my life =)

o.O

2004-01-07T06:12:26Z

Well, I've just now really come to realize what..I'm not even sure what to call them now, hardly a family really. Come February, I'm moving to Massachusetts. Of course I'm taking my son with me; as much as everyone doesn't care about the sperm donor, I still love him he's part of me. This isnt going over very well with mother dearest. I'm taking HER grandson away from her. 'I'm a spoiled rotten, self centered bitch. I'm selfish. I don't care about him [seth, my son]. I'm a whore, comparable to my cousin who has 4 kids by 4 different men (infidelity anyone?). I'm a piece of shit. And the newest..I'm a lying, vindictive bitch.'
SO says her.. but let me replay 30 minutes ago for you.
*mom walks into my room*
You don't care about him [seth]. I don't want you to ever talk to me again.
*walks out, actually closes my door for once!*
sigh..
*comes back in*
You really disgust me..I hope he's worth it to you. No matter how many friends you have, you only have one family.
*leaves*
Cute eh? I think..how grade school, oh dear villiage idiot. Quit using my son as leverage and guilt. This has went on since..the Thursday or Friday before Brian left, so he got to hear more than he needed, but saw her true colors. My grandma seems to have turned against me (lack of better phrases), and tells Teresa (my mom) everything I say to her now. And of course, lets focus on everyone of my mistakes in the past. So I wasn't a nominee for most upstanding citizen three years running. My choice in guys wasn't very..well, it wasn't good at all. So what? If I didn't learn then, where would I be now..proabably up Shit's Creek--without a paddle. Lets not focus on the good about me, only the bad. Talk shit about the sperm donor and how he took advantage of my lack of self confidence..yet you were the one who sat there and told him I never thought very highly of myself, dare I say, hated myself. Make it easy for him. Keep that in mind when you talk about where I screwed up; it's not like you made it hard for people to hurt me either. You helped me open up..the wrong side of myself to them. That's okay though. I allowed myself to do it, so it's fault. Oh well..that's life eh?

As much as it annoys me at times, her ranting amuses me really. Thank you Brian. I love you more than anything.

weeee

2003-12-28T20:26:45Z

I don't know how to put it..but I'm happy. Like reeeeally really happy. Yea, Christmas kinda sucked (my mom bought me a shirt..that I picked out) but the only present I cared about came the day after. Yea, it's boring here..you can find more fun at a funeral than here honestly, but I feel all..I dunno tingly inside. There's so many thoughts running around my mind, but there's nothing at the sametime. It makes me feel kind of childish when I can't say it. sigh. my biggest downfall exposed. anywho..crying child.

:\

2003-12-12T09:42:54Z

So I slowly started smoking again..for what reason I don't know. But it's possibly one the stupidest things I almost started doing again. My friend was disappointed in me..and rather mad about it. I sat there and thought about it till I couldn't think anymore and fell asleep..2 am rolls around with the grunts and starts of the feed me cry from my 1 month old son. It hurts when someone I care about is mad at me, but I can't blame anything or anyone but myself right now. I sat here and encouraged him to quit smoking, practically begged it seems like at times..then I start again. Not like going out and buying a pack or anything, just bumming them from people at work. It's still just as bad. And the waterworks start again. The only thing it would accomplish for me is less time with the two people who have come to mean well everything to me, one of which I'd give up everything that I know and have grown to be comfortable with (not to mention it would be better in the long run) to be with. Who I'd give the world to if it were possible; I can't even put it into words what he means to me. I'm obviously not showing it by doing something that makes me a hypocrite. I need to kick myself..not beat myself right about now. No, I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm expressing my own stupidity for everyone to see and lack of someone to talk to. If some of you only knew how much he means to me..not that it matters anyone else but him knows..whatever. only an hour till I get up for work..kick that up to 3.5 hours of sleep tonight. If only I could stomach the nasty taste of coffee for times like these..

The week at a glance

2003-12-10T14:34:34Z

The past week or so I've been scorned by my mother who threatened me, saying I'm not allowed to take my son out of this state. HAH.
-I've realized Christmas will soo suck this year..like last year and the year before. But oh well, I'll pull out the santa hat and go to work maybe it'll get a smile out of someone else.
-I hate work. I mean really hate work.
-I lost $50 to someone because he's crazier than me..so never bet anyone from up north $50 to roll around in the snow in next to nothing, they'll do it.
-He's also coming down here after christmas..he's my best friend actually, even though he totally hates flying.
The moments in between..have honestly just sucked but that's OKAY. I'm smiling; being miserable and sad blows and it makes you soo ugly no matter how pretty you may be physically. Another lesson nearly learned the hardway. Off I go to format my stupid computer. I really hate when people mess with it..ugh. *remembers to back up website*

egh

2003-12-05T03:22:45Z

so i start back to work on saturday..woohoo. means I'll be able to move sooner. my mom is a moron..the meaning of stupid really. but i guess not everyone can be perfect or even dream about it. That's okay though. I can just ignore her..most of the time. just a month and a half to two and half months and I'll be happy. I had a lovely rant..but I completely lost it. Oh well..I'll bitch about something later =)

wow

2003-11-30T18:13:10Z

amazing what happens when someone that means the world to you makes you smile..makes the worst day seem 10x better. I love Brian..he manages to make me smile and happy when I'm just like completely miserable. I'll steal him yet..

I love you Bri Bri =)

blah..

2003-11-30T16:48:25Z

there's a great word..blah. it can describe just about anything for you. like now, i feel blah. sometimes i wonder if it's even worth it to wake up everyday. The person who means everything to me seems to make me want to cry more than anything. Not intentionally..just like well I don't know. Maybe all the little things are getting to me. I really just want to be right there with him. Sometimes I wish it weren't so complicated, but nothing good comes easily I guess. Then there's wonderful people who make it so much better and think what I say is pure bs to raise someone's hopes, or references to me being incapable of doing anything useful with my life unless I have them around to tell me what to do everyday for the rest of my life..whatever..